Miss Adventure
Miss Adventure is a fictional character whose adventures (and misadventures) appear in the American supermarket tabloid the Weekly World News.
He is a gay man and worked as a hairdresser in his hometown of Teaneck, New Jersey.
Miss Adventure has climbed Mount Everest in mink and high heels ("The mountain was gorgeous, the snowmen abominable"), journeyed to the center of the earth ("When I go down, honey, I go down"), shot off in a space shuttle ("I'd wish they'd find another way to describe that"), infiltrated the Mafia ("The FBI has a noble drag queen tradition"), discovered the Lost City of Atlantis ("Not much different from a trailer park, really"), traveled out West ("When they call a guy a cowpoke they really mean it"), and survived an overturned cruise ship ("Trust me, it's not the first time I've seen that many sailors with their legs in the air").
Miss Adventure Rides Again[edit]
Weekly World News Issue: June 6, 2005
Tagline: "I not only cleaned up the West, I redecorated it" and "I was disappointed to learn that the correct bronco-busting phrase is 'ride 'em cowboy!' and not the suggestion 'ride them cowboys'".
Following his undercover work for the FBI, Andrews took on another secret assignment at a Custerville, Arizona ranch managed by two schoolmates of Danny "Dee Dee" Romano, his friend and mentor. The ranch managers bought a used kitchen stove from the unscrupulous owner of the Really Long Branch Saloon. The saloon was run by a former Parisian clothes designer called Basic Black Bart. When Dee Dee's friends came home and started preparing dinner, the stove blew up. They demanded a new stove, Basic Black Bart refused to comply, and they asked Miss Adventure to get it for them.
Andrews first sight of the Bar Two-C ranch wasn't promising. Dee Dee introduced him to his friends, a couple named Spin Sperry and Marty McGurk. Miss Adventure's first few days were enjoyable, but being anxious to meet Basic Black Bart, he moseyed over on the third night to the Really Long Branch Saloon, ordered a Cosmopolitan and asked to see the proprietor. In no time at all Andrews was staring into the ugly mug of a man with jet black hair and a matching mustache. He was smoking a big black cigar.
After exchanging harsh words, Miss Adventure found himself eating dust in the middle of the street. Miss Adventure rethought his cruise-and-confront strategy. The following day, Miss Adventure galloped into town dressed as a horse. His plan was to eavesdrop on Basic Black Bart, find evidence to lock him in the jail, and switch the stoves while he was incarcerated. On the third day of being in disguise, Basic Black Bart's right-handed man, Ace High, saw Miss Adventure hitching himself to the post in front of the saloon. He told his boss and Andrews was dragged out of town to be lynched. As Bart put the noose around his neck, Andrews could think of only one thing: "I'd lived like a horse, and now I was going to be hung like a horse."
Miss Adventure Ridin' The West[edit]
Weekly World News Issue: June 13, 2005
Tagline: "They call me Kitten Caboodle"
Just as Basic Black Bart's henchmen were about to introduce Miss Adventure to what he suspected was not autoerotic asphyxiation, Danny "Dee Dee" Romano showed up. Dee Dee happened to see Andrews with the rope around his neck and roused the town marshal, and they rode to his rescue. Marshal Fields shot through the rope just in time, though the henchmen escaped just before they could be caught. The day after the attempted lynching, Basic Black Bart's right-hand man, a "handsome brute" called Aces High, visited Andrews in his bed.
Circumstances demanded another of Miss Adventure's fabulous disguises. The following night, Kevin Andrews dressed as a gorgeous dance hall girl, resplendent in pink ruffles and feathers, and sashayed into the Really Long Branch looking for work. Posing as "Kitten Caboodle", Bart hired her on the spot. For the rest of the week he performed nightly at the saloon while trying to gather evidence against Bart. Andrews was a smash singing songs, but was less successful getting the evidence he needed. Miss Adventure came up with a deeper ploy. He purposely hinted that Kitten Caboodle was Miss Adventure in order to lure Bart from the saloon. Then, while Bart was away Spin, Marty, and Dee Dee would simply switched the damaged stove for the saloon's new one.
The plan worked and Bart caught Miss Adventure changing clothes. Basic Black Bart drew his gun and was about to shoot Andrews when Aces High burst into the room, felled Bart with one blow, and turned him over to Marshal Fields. The following day, Dee Dee and Andrews packed to return home to Teaneck, New Jersey. Before leaving, Miss Adventure visited the jail and dropped off Kitten's outfit.
Miss Adventure Conquers The Prix![edit]
Weekly World News Issue: June 20, 2005
Tagline: "Drag queen RACES to find the right formula" and "I never even stripped my gears!"
After returning from Arizona, Andrews planned a quiet weekend at home in Teaneck, New Jersey. Instead Danny "Dee Dee" Romano booked the two of them on a flight to Monaco where — without Andrew's knowledge — he had scheduled his friend to drive in the annual Grand Prix motor race. Andrews explained how Dee Dee became involved in the race. One of Dee Dee's oldest friends was Malibu's Benny "Big Drag" Rickles. Since the 1960s, Rickles has managed the only drag strip in the entire country run exclusively for transvestites. At 79, Rickles is still the queen of the dragsters. As he told Dee Dee, though, the one thing he had never done was to have one of his custom cars in the Grand Prix. Dee Dee set about to make that happen with Miss Adventure.
They met at the track by Big Drag and his car, the V8-Topper. The car was pink and low slung, with an impressive tailpipe. The day before the race, Big Drag warned Andrew about a cryptic missive from Malibu. The horribly written note, which came from someone calling himself the "Mashed Marble", read, "Your days are numbered."
Andrews took the car for a spin and almost at once he experienced a series of mishaps. The first time Andrews stepped on the gas, the car shot into reverse and he wound up in a local casino. Then the engine fell out and finally his back tires flew off and Miss Adventure dragged his rear end 50 yards (46 m) before he could stop. Clearly, the Mashed Marble was trying to make good on his threat. Desperate measures were necessary, and Dee Dee Romano put in an emergency call to his cousin at the Kennedy Space Center. On the day of the Grand Prix, Andrews hopped in a car whose tank was filled with space shuttle fuel. As a gunshot signaled the start of the race, Andrews floored the gas pedal in high heels and took off. The V-8 Topper left the ground for a few miles, but despite the handicap when the dust had settled, Miss Adventure had run the race. Returning home, Romano and Andrews found a package that had been delivered from the mysterious enemy, The Mashed Marble. As near as they could figure it out after they soaked it in the jacuzzi and called the local bomb squad, it read "Wet Meat Again, Miss Adventure!"
Thirty Spanks for Miss Adventure[edit]
Weekly World News Issue: June 27, 2005
Tagline: "All your wishes can come true - If you put your lips together and blow."
Out of all of his adventures, nothing could prepare him for his most personal challenge - his 30th birthday.
Andrews' friend, mentor, and housemate Danny "Dee Dee" Romano, made all the preparations before Andrews could stop him. Romano issued the invitations, bought festive decorations, arranged the catering, and - because he insisted on lighting every candle on the cake - took out extra fire insurance on the house.
Among the guests invited to the part were several who had shared Miss Adventure's amazing exploits, including NASA's P.T. Donovan, who had accidentally launched Andrews and himself in the Space Shuttle Atlantis; Benny "Big Drag" Rickles, who manages the only drag strip in the United States run exclusively for transvestites; Spin Sperry and Marty McGurk, who run an Arizona dude ranch for gay caballeros; and Han Brinker and Gertrude, his duck, with whom Andrews had a fling at the Earth's core. Secretly gay TV star Tony Gavone was also asked, but declined on the pretext that he had to spend the weekend cleaning out his closet. Dottie, Miss Adventure's mother, was invited as well.
Andrews and Romano also heard from someone who was very much uninvited. They received a poorly scribbled note from the Mashed Marble eventually deciphered reading "No happy returns of the day for you!"
Despite the ominous threat, the party was a success. Andrews received all the presents traditionally bestowed on a man of his age and station - cosmetics, wigs, facials, support hose, gym memberships, complimentary Botox injections, canes, walkers, and wheelchairs. Andrews was undergoing his fifth spanking when Romano and Rickles wheeled in a 6-foot-high birthday cake ablaze with candles.
Suddenly, the sound of classic disco filled the room and the cake began to vibrate. The top burst open and out climbed a young man dressed in nothing but a G-string. He identified himself as Mikhail the Russian Stud and said he was a birthday remembrance from an 'old friend.'
All at once, the front door burst open and FBI Agent Brasco, who had pressured Andrews to inform on the Mob, pushed a little fat man into the room. Brasco explained that the Fiorelloesque gentleman, named Gary the Pig, had been hired by a mysterious underworld figure seeking the death of Miss Adventure. Agent Brasco produced a note that had given Mr. Pig his instructions. After careful analysis, it was determined that the plot involved concealing a Russian-made warhead in Miss Adventure's birthday cake, set to explode when he blew out the candles. Mr. Pig misread the note, however, and, in lieu of a Russian SCUD missile, had hired a Russian stud name Mikhail.
After Brasco, Pig and the guests had departed, Miss Adventure played with his gift - Mikhail. An hour later, the doorbell rang. Kevin went to see who was there. He found three clean-cut young men who introduced themselves as the King brothers from nearby Paramus. They explained that they saw a divine light burning bright in the East, which Miss Adventure silently identified as his birthday cake. The oldest King asked if they were in time to witness the Second Coming - and they were.
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