The Way I Used to Be

The Way I Used to Be

Author	Amber Smith
Illustrator
Publication date	March 22, 2016
Pages
ISBN	9781481449359 Search this book on .

The Way I Used to Be is the New York Times bestselling debut novel by Amber Smith, published in 2016 by Simon & Schuster. It was met with critical acclaim and nominated for numerous awards, including a Goodreads Choice Award, and in 2022, was named by Cosmopolitan as one of the "Best Young Adult Books of All Time."

This novel tells the story of a girl named Eden, who was always good at being good. Starting high school didn’t change who she was. But the night her brother’s best friend rapes her, Eden’s world capsizes. What was once simple, is now complex. What Eden once loved—who she once loved—she now hates. What she thought she knew to be true, is now lies. Nothing makes sense anymore, and she knows she’s supposed to tell someone what happened but she can’t. So she buries it instead. And she buries the way she used to be. Told in four parts—freshman, sophomore, junior, and senior year—this provocative debut reveals the deep cuts of trauma. But it also demonstrates one young woman’s strength as she navigates the disappointment and unbearable pains of adolescence, of first love and first heartbreak, of friendships broken and rebuilt, all while learning to embrace the power of survival she never knew she had hidden within her heart.

Plot

The Way I Used to Be follows Eden McCrorey, a teenager who is raped by her older brother’s best friend, Kevin. The novel is divided into four parts, with each part corresponding to a single year in high school—beginning with her freshman year immediately after she is raped and concluding with her senior year. Over that four-year period, the narrative shows the ways in which Eden is transformed—and damaged—by her traumatic experience.

The first part, “Freshman Year,” deals with the immediate aftermath of Eden’s sexual assault. A “band-geek” who is mocked by her peers, Eden forms the Lunch-Break Book Club with her friends Mara, Stephen, and Cameron so that they have an excuse to avoid bullies during their lunch period. At the end of Part 1, Edy’s personality begins to change: She is no longer the “good girl” she used to be. She smokes cigarettes, she quits band, she gets into arguments with her parents. Eden vows that in the year to come, she will not let anyone take advantage of her the way that Kevin did.

In the second part, “Sophomore Year,” Eden is approached by the popular senior Josh Miller during study hall. Eden acts aloof at first, but she eventually agrees to go on a date with Josh. Not long after, Eden and Josh are spending each night together, deepening their relationship even while Eden has difficulty expressing her feelings and being vulnerable around Josh. She refuses to be his girlfriend, even when Josh tells her that he wants to make their relationship official. Meanwhile, the little sister of Kevin, the boy that raped Eden, starts a rumor at school that Eden is a “slut,” writing slurs about Eden all over the bathroom walls. Soon, the entire school is talking about how promiscuous Eden is. On Eden’s birthday, Mara decorates Eden’s locker with a sign that says “Happy 15th birthday,” which reveals to Josh that Eden has been lying about her age. Angry and hurt, Josh confronts Eden and asks her if she would even care if he were arrested for statutory rape. Affecting a cold and hardened exterior, Eden says that she does not care about him, and they break-up. When Caelin, Eden’s older brother, catches wind of the fact that Eden had a relationship with Josh, he beats Josh up at a New Year’s Eve party. Eden is livid that Caelin did this, which further distances Eden and Caelin from each other. Eden’s relationship with her mother and father are strained, too.

Eden’s reputation as a “bad girl”—and, particularly, a promiscuous one—is solidified in the third part, “Junior Year.” Eden and Mara both experiment with drugs and alcohol, and the girls celebrate Mara’s 16th birthday in a playground drinking contraband beers at night, where they meet two stoner guys by the name of Troy and Alex. Troy and Alex introduce the girls to a new social scene, and they begin going to more and more parties together. At one such party, Eden discovers that, through casual sex, she is able to temporarily escape her troubles. Eden sleeps with Troy’s older brother, despite her knowing that Troy has a crush on her. Relations with Eden and her family become even worse; Eden fights with her parents on a daily basis.

By the time Eden is gearing up to graduate high school in the fourth part, “Senior Year,” her life is in a complete downward spiral. Eden does not care about going to college the following year, and the number of casual sexual encounters she has with strangers continues to increase. Alongside drugs and alcohol, sex is Eden’s primary means of escaping her trouble state. When Kevin is accused of rape by a girl in his dorm, a police investigation follows. Eden grapples with whether she should report him. She decides yes, but that she needs to tell Josh first. They meet at a 24-hour diner, where she tells Josh the entire story. Eden tells her brother Caelin next, who is devastated to learn that this happened to Eden. The novel closes with Eden reporting her own rape at the police station.

Through Eden’s story, The Way I Used to Be is a coming-of-age tale that explores themes surrounding the devastating consequences of sexual assault, particularly during the formative adolescent years. The book also investigates the social forces that lead to women’s silence, in general, around sexual violence.

Characters

Eden “Edy” McCrorey is the protagonist of The Way I Used to Be. Eden is the victim of rape just as she begins her freshman year; the book follows her throughout high school as she grapples with the aftermath of her assault.

Caelin McCrorey is Eden's older brother who leaves for college as Eden is beginning high school. There is an unspoken sibling rivalry between the two, although they begin with an amicable relationship which is strained when he doesn't intuit that his friend had harmed his sister.

Kevin Armstrong is a close family friend of Eden's older brother, Caelin, who rapes Eden when she is fourteen. It is alluded to that Kevin also suffered sexual abuse as a child, explaining, in part, his predilection for sexual dysfunction and violence.

Amanda "Mandy" Armstrong is Kevin's younger sister and former friend of Eden's who despises her for the majority of the book. Amanda is a minor yet pivitoal character in The Way I Used to Be. She spies on Eden and starts her public shaming by writing that Eden is a "whore" on the bathroom wall at school. It is later revealed that Kevin has also sexually abused his sister Amanda, who, after a confrontation with Eden, ultimately reports her abuse to the authorities.

Josh Miller is Eden's boyfriend during her sophomore year. He is a popular, attractive senior varsity basketball player, which is why Eden is surprised when he takes an interest in her. Despite attempts to forge a meaningful relationship, Eden has trouble letting her guard down. After a long estrangement, Josh is the first person Eden confides in about her sexual assault.

Mara is Edy's best friend since childhood. During freshman year she gets her braces off and consciously decides to reject the mistreatment of her (and Eden's) bullies at school, inspiring Eden to transform herself as well.

Steven "Steve" Reinheiser is an outcast, who has had a crush on Eden since they were dorky "freshmen" together. He is also the first in Eden's friend group to recognize that Eden is grappling with emotional issues.

Connor and Vanessa are Eden's parents, whom she begins referring to by their first names in part three, as their relationships deteriorate.

Themes

• #MeToo Movement
• Rape Culture
• Impact of Sexual Assault
• High School Relationships
• Sibling Relationships

Origins

In 2016, Smith told Jennifer Niven's Germ Magazine:

"While The Way I Used to Be is a work of fiction, it does come from a place of emotional truth, and it was from a space of reflection and compassion that I wrote this book. For many people, the teenage years are often a time when we encounter loss, trauma, heartbreak, and disappointment for the first time, yet we are rarely equipped to deal with these very “adult” emotions and situations. When we don’t have the help we need, or we don’t feel empowered and supported — particularly in the face of extreme and potentially damaging experiences of violation, such as rape or abuse — the underlying problems are often forced to work themselves out in unhealthy, destructive, and dangerous ways that, in fact, never really do allow us to reach a resolution."

Smith is also quoted in a 2016 article from Bustle, saying:

"I had wanted to write about abuse and sexual violence for a long time. These are issues that hold a lot of personal meaning for me, but they are also a lived reality for so many young people. Because rape culture is pervasive in our society, there’s still so much silence surrounding these issues. In The Way I Used to Be, I saw a chance to really explore what that silence means and feels like — and ultimately, what it might take to break that silence."

Elaborating in a 2021 interview, Smith said:

"When I began writing this book, I was just writing it for myself, as a place to work through my own thoughts and feelings—as a survivor myself, as well as someone who has known so many other survivors of violence and abuse. But when I finished and began sharing it with my first readers, I realized that it had evolved into something else, something much bigger than just me. It was a story that could hopefully contribute something meaningful to the larger dialogue."

Reception

The Way I Used to Be debuted on the New York Times Best Seller List on April 17th, 2016, where it spent the following three weeks. It was released with critical acclaim, including a starred review from School Library Journal, which stated: "This is a poignant book that realistically looks at the lasting effects of trauma on love, relationships, and life... An important addition for every collection."

The book was nominated for a 2016 Goodreads Choice Award in Young Adult Fiction and Connecticut's Nutmeg Book Award. It was subsequently named an Eliot Rosewater (Rosie Award) Honor Book in 2018 and has been included in prominent literary lists such as: American Library Association's Amelia Bloomer List, Texas Library Association's TAYSHAS List, and Bank Street's Best Books of the Year.

Widely acclaimed and endorsed by notable authors Laurie Halse Anderson and Amy Reed, The Way I Used to Be garnered coverage from a range of popular print and online media outlets, highlighted below:

• "This young adult novel is an unflinching look at the struggles of a rape victim to process her trauma and find the strength to rebuild her life." (Laurie Halse Anderson, New York Times bestselling and award-winning author of Speak and Shout)
• "The Way I Used to Be explores the aftermath of sexual assault with a precision and searing honesty that is often terrifying, sometimes eerily beautiful, and always completely true. It is The Hero's Journey through a distorted circus mirror – one girl's quest to turn desperation into courage, to become a survivor instead of a victim. Amber Smith gets it exactly right."(Amy Reed, author of The Nowhere Girls)
• “A raw novel that'll stay with you long after you finish.” (BuzzFeed)
• "This is a poignant book that realistically looks at the lasting effects of trauma on love, relationships, and life… Teens will be reminded of Laurie Halse Anderson’s Speak. VERDICT: An important addition for every collection." (School Library Journal, STARRED REVIEW)
• “A difficult, painful journey, but teens who have experienced rape and abuse will be grateful for this unvarnished and ultimately hopeful portrait. Eden’s shell-shocked narrative is an excellent narrative conduit for what Smith has to say.” (Booklist)
• "This is far from a feel-good read, but I can’t implore how necessary it is to read a book like this one… As unforgettable and stirring as Laurie Halse Anderson’s Speak, Smith’s provocative debut is best described as a survival story with hope and anger serving as prominent themes so fully explored they simmer off the page." (The Young Folks)
• "A heart-twisting, but ultimately hopeful, exploration of how pain can lead to strength.” (The Boston Globe)
• "The Way I Used To Be is an intensely gripping and raw look at secrets, silence, speaking out, and survival in the aftermath of a sexual assault. A must-have for every collection that serves teens." (Teen Librarian Toolbox)
• “Edy’s exploration of the meaning of sexuality and intimacy will be thought provoking for teen readers of various experience levels, and this title is likely to find space alongside [Laurie Halse] Anderson’s Speak." (Bulletin of the Center for Children's Books)
• "This isn't an easy read, but it's an important one... I was incredibly moved by Smith's powerful writing, and Eden's story of growth and survival is one you won't want to miss. You'll be thinking about this one long after you read that final page." (Seventeen)
• "I opened the novel and could not – could not – stop reading. Not only because of Smith’s incredibly compelling style. But also because this sad, sordid story offers hope." (The Charlotte Observer)
• "The book ends with a glimmer of hope that hints at the growth readers have wished for Eden since the book’s beginning." (The News & Observer)
• "A full-fledged novel with characters who develop, deteriorate and, at the very end, begin to put their lives back together." (The Buffalo News)

Editions

• Hardcover edition was published by Margaret K. McElderry Books, an imprint of Simon & Schuster, on March 22, 2016
• Paperback was published by Margaret K. McElderry Books, an imprint of Simon & Schuster, on March 7, 2017
• Audiobook, narrated by Rebekkah Ross, was published by Simon & Schuster Audio on March 22, 2016

References

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