Disengaging from an abuser using the no contact rule or grey rock method
Two popular psychology self-help strategies are believed to be useful in disengaging from cluster B abusers (including narcissists and psychopaths):
Of the two, the no contact rule was established earlier. The grey rock method is a fallback strategy if the no contact rule is not practicable. It focuses on boring the abuser and may not be as effective.
No contact rule[edit]
The no contact rule is usually considered to be the best strategy to disengage from an abuser. It is used in various contexts including by children of narcissistic parents to escape from narcissistic abuse.[7]
But it may not be possible, for example, if the abused has to work with the abuser or is divorced from the abuser but has shared child custody. Low contact and/or the grey rock method may be less satisfactory but pragmatic alternatives.[1]
Hoovering[edit]
Even with no contact by the abused, an abuser may try to "hoover" the abused back if he or she knows how to contact the abused.[5] Various techniques may be used, including:[8][3]
- Pretending that the relationship is not over
- Sending unsolicited gifts (see positive reinforcement)
- "Apologising" for his or her behavior
- Indirect manipulation such as shared custody children being made to manipulate on the abuser's behalf (see flying monkeys and triangulation)
- Declaring love (see love bombing)
- Sending random messages and "ghost" phone calls (see gaslighting)
- Faking vulnerability and the need for "help" (see victim playing)
- Baiting with drama.
Grey rock method[edit]
The grey rock method uses boredom to deny narcissistic supply, stimulation or attention to the abuser for example by:[5]
- speaking with a monotonous voice
- giving short, matter of fact answers to questions
- talking about boring or inconsequential subjects
- not engaging with the abuser's taunts
- not making eye contact with the abuser
- not giving away personal information
- not displaying any interest in the abuser.
Thus the abused tries to blend into the background like a metaphorical grey rock in the landscape. "Keeping your head down", "keeping a low profile" and "lying low" are related expressions. Without the abuser getting narcissistic supply, stimulation or attention, he or she is likely to go elsewhere to try to get it. It is important that the abuser does not work out that the abused is putting on an act or it could badly backfire. It should not be taken to an extreme level. [5][6]
See also[edit]
References[edit]
- ↑ 1.0 1.1 Tudor HG (2016) No Contact: How to Beat the Narcissist
- ↑ Lue N (2013) The No Contact Rule
- ↑ 3.0 3.1 Saeed K (2015) How To Do No Contact Like A Boss!: The Essential Guide to Detaching from Love That Hurts
- ↑ Maley J How to deal with a narcissist like Donald Trump The Sydney Morning Herald 3 Feb 2017
- ↑ 5.0 5.1 5.2 5.3 Atkinson A, Tindall J (2017) Navigating No-Contact with a Narcissist: A Recovery Roadmap for Survivors of Narcissistic Abuse
- ↑ 6.0 6.1 Atkinson A Toxic Relationship Recovery: Using the Gray Rock Method (Safely) (2016) queenbeeing.com
- ↑ Little A (2016) No Contact - The Final Boundary: Surviving Parental Narcissistic Abuse
- ↑ Luna A 8 Signs You’re the Victim of an Abusive “Hoovering” Narcissist lonerwolf.com
Further reading[edit]
- Aniston J (2017) ‘‘Narcissist: No Contact With The Narcissist! Escaping Narcissism & Narcissistic Personality Disorder’’
- Ault A (2017) ‘‘Hoovering: How to Resist the Pull of a Toxic Relationship & Recover Your Freedom Now’’
- Ballard Z (2014) ‘‘Narcissist Free: A Survival Guide for the No-Contact Break-Up ‘’
- Braswell L (2013) ‘‘Ignore the Guy, Get the Guy: The Art of No Contact: A Woman's Survival Guide to Mastering A Breakup and Taking Back Her Power’’
- Little A (2016) ‘‘No Contact Survivor: Escaping from a lifetime of abuse’’
External links[edit]
- Hart J Coparenting with a Narcissist the Gray Rock Technique (2016) (see coparenting)
- Learning No Contact, Gray Rock And Mirroring To Survive Divorcing A Narcissist firstwivesworld.com (2016)
- Hoovering outofthefog (2015).
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